理解我们在亲密关系中的防御机制｜Understand Our Defensiveness in relationships

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A guide to growing through love, not overreacting to it

Have you ever had someone say, “Hey, could you not do that?” Or, “That kind of bothered me…”And even if they were being calm and kind — you still felt like they were attacking you?

If so, you’re not alone.

That feeling is called defensiveness. And it’s one of the biggest reasons people argue, break trust, or drift apart — in friendships, in families, even in dating.

✦ What is Defensiveness?

Defensiveness is what happens when:

• Someone gives us feedback

• And instead of staying open, we get upset, shut down, or fight back

It might sound like:

• “Okay, but you do it too!”

• “Why are you always picking on me?”

• “You just don’t get it.”

• Total silence and stormy vibes

The goal of defensiveness is to protect ourselves. We don’t want to feel wrong, embarrassed, or hurt.

That’s understandable — but if it becomes a habit, it can damage relationships we care about.

✦ Why Do We Get So Defensive?

Most of us didn’t choose to be defensive. It usually comes from earlier life stuff, like:

• Feeling judged a lot as a kid

• Being around adults who yelled instead of explained

• Learning that love disappears when we mess up

So now, when someone says, “Hey, that bothered me,” it doesn’t just feel like a comment. It feels like rejection. Even if it’s just about how we tell stories or do chores.

✦ But Here's the Truth:

• Feedback isn’t the enemy. - It’s a part of love.

• You don’t have to be perfect. - You just have to be willing to grow.

  
  

• Not all criticism is an insult. - Sometimes it’s just someone saying, “This is how I feel — can we fix it together?”

✦ Healthier Relationships Feel Like This:

Imagine a relationship where…

• You can say, “Hey, that joke kinda hurt my feelings,” And your friend says, “Oh — I didn’t know! Thanks for telling me.” ✅

• Or your sibling says, “Can you be quieter in the morning?” And instead of yelling, you say, “Okay, I’ll try.” ✅

That’s not weakness. That’s emotional strength.

✦ Things to Try Instead of Overreacting:

When someone gives you feedback, try this:

1. Pause. (Even just 3 seconds.)

2. Breathe. (Seriously. It helps your brain calm down.)

3. Ask yourself:

   
   

   • “Is this about me as a person, or just something I can work on?”

   • “Are they trying to hurt me — or help us get along better?”

     
     

4. Say something like:

   
   

   • “Thanks for letting me know.”

   • “I didn’t realize that. I’ll think about it.”

   • “I didn’t mean it that way, but I get where you’re coming from.”

✦ You’re Allowed to Grow

You’re not locked into who you were last year — or even last week. A real friend (or future partner) doesn’t need you to be perfect. They just want someone who cares enough to improve. And if they’re a good person, they’ll try to grow too.

✦ Practice Line (for the Bold!):

Next time you’re building a friendship or relationship, try saying: “I’m trying to get better at taking feedback without freaking out. Let me know how I’m doing.”

It might feel scary to say. But it shows courage, maturity, and the kind of emotional openness that makes relationships actually last.

✦ Final Thought

It’s okay to get things wrong. It’s okay to feel sensitive. But learning how to listen, breathe, and respond with care? That’s how we go from drama… to real connection.

Love isn’t about being perfect. It’s about growing together. And sometimes the most mature thing you can say in a relationship is:

“Thank you for telling me.”

你有没有这种时候，朋友对你说：“你刚刚那样让我不太舒服。”你立刻回：“我哪有？你想太多了吧！”

或者有人提醒你一个小习惯，你一下子就不开心，觉得：“你是不是在说我不好？”

别担心，这不是你一个人的问题。这种情绪反应，有个名字，叫做 - 防御机制。

🛡️ 什么是“防御机制”？

就是当别人给我们一点建议、反馈，我们会下意识地保护自己，就像套上了一层“盔甲”。因为我们怕被批评、怕不被喜欢，所以在别人还没伤害我们之前，我们先“反击”回去，或者装作没事。

😢 这盔甲从哪儿来的？

很多时候，这盔甲是小时候慢慢长出来的。可能你小时候做错事就被骂、被冷落，久了，你就学会了一个信念：“如果我不完美，我就会被讨厌。”

于是你变得特别在意别人的评价，别人稍微说一句，就像“要被赶出圈”的感觉。

👀 可是，关系不该是“战场”

如果我们总是把别人的反馈当作“攻击”，就会很难真正去理解对方，也会让亲密的关系变得紧张。

比如：

🌪️ 朋友只是说：“你今天好像有点冷漠。”你却觉得：“你凭什么说我？我不就这样吗？”

但你有没有想过，也许对方说这句话，其实是想和你好好相处，希望你们的关系可以更舒服、更靠近。

🧭 怎么让自己更成熟地面对关系？

不如试试这几个“思维切换”：

🌈 1. 不是每句话都是攻击

别人说你一点小事，不一定是在否定你，可能只是想让你们相处更顺利。

🌱 2. 你不用完美，也值得被喜欢

你不需要做到100分才有人愿意陪你。只要你愿意成长，愿意倾听，就已经很好了。

🧩 3. 你可以说“我会想一想”，而不是立刻反驳

下次当你被提醒时，试着说一句：“我知道你是好意，我再想一想。”这一句温柔的话，可能会让你们的关系变得比以前更亲密。

💬 真正亲密的人，不怕讲“真话”

在好的关系里，大家都不是完美人，但愿意互相提醒、互相成长。当有一天，你能在听到一句“我不太喜欢你这样”时，不炸毛、不逃避，而是平静地说：“谢谢你告诉我，我没注意到。”

那就是你真正成长的开始。🌱

❤️ 最后给你的一个小叮咛：

我们不需要永远穿着盔甲，我们可以慢慢学会，在安全的人面前，脱下防备，学会信任与理解。因为真正的关系不是“谁赢谁输”，而是一起成为更好的自己。